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Are you and your partner constantly arguing? Here’s how to break the negative cycle
- Mark Colclough
By Mark Colclough, Couples Therapist and Fully Qualified Psychotherapist M.A.
Within reason, the couple who fights together, stays together. But how to fight is often an unknown for couples who come to couples therapy.
Are you and your partner constantly arguing? Here’s how to break the negative cycle
Contrary to common belief, arguments are not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, research has shown that couples who have regular arguments are more likely to stay together.
What are we
arguing about?
1-Money
Money is said to be one of the most common topics of contention within a relationship. Secret spending, a change in financial status or disagreement on how money is allocated, are all potential instigators for a row to begin.
2-The children
Parents might disagree on how children should be raised or how to approach a challenging parenting situation. There may also be issues involving a step child or blended family unit. Whether or not to have more children can also cause tensions between couples.
3-Time together / Schedules
4-Future plans
5-Affairs / Secrets
If one of you has had an affair, or been deceitful or unfaithful in some way, this can cause tremendous rows and tensions – potentially for years. Healing from major impacting events is an important step in minimising these arguments and moving forward from them.
And there are, of course, many more. ‘Annoying’ habits, wider family problems, cultural differences, religious differences, and sexual disagreements are also very common topics for disagreement.
When arguments hurt
Like I said before, how you argue is important. I witness people’s argument styles frequently and have observed that most people fall into one of these categories:
The attacker – this is where a person makes an effort to verbally attack the other, pointing out why they are wrong and listing their annoyances.
For example:
Ben: I don’t think you should buy that expensive purse.
Amy: You always do this, you’re so tight with money, I can’t believe how mean, petty and controlling you are.
The defender – this is where a person spends much of their time defending their choices and actions when they perceive criticism.
For example:
Ben: I don’t think you should buy that expensive purse.
Amy: I deserve it. I have been working hard. I never buy myself anything. I am right to want this purse.
The withdrawer – this is where a hint of criticism can cause a person to emotionally and/or physically withdraw and avoid the conflict.
For example:
Ben: I don’t think you should buy that expensive purse.
Amy: I don’t want to talk about this. I’m going out.
Any of these argument styles can be harmful to a relationship and fuel a constant pattern of arguing. So, what can be done to change this?
When arguments are healing
Arguments arise because something is unresolved – whether that be with one another or within ourselves. Partners must identify the true cause of conflicts and align and work together to find a way forward.
When you attend couples therapy, you can learn to communicate with each other in an honest, nurturing way without an argument exploding. You can be supported in adapting your language to be less attacking / defensive / avoidant, and instead be more accountable and in ownership of your emotions. You can also make the space to properly hear your partner (and be heard) and benefit from a third ear in the room to help prevent misunderstandings.
At the end of it, you will have acquired skills that can transform future arguments from high-conflict and repetitive, to healthy and solution-orientated.
