- Parterapi
Are you and your partner constantly arguing? Here’s how to break the negative cycle
- Mark Colclough
Af Mark Colclough, Parterapeut og psykoterapeut, cand. mag.
Within reason, the couple who fights together, stays together. But how to fight is often an unknown for couples who come to couples therapy.
Are you and your partner constantly arguing? Here’s how to break the negative cycle
Contrary to common belief, arguments are not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, research has shown that couples who have regular arguments are more likely to stay together.
What are we
arguing about?
1-Penge
Penge siges at være et af de mest almindelige emner for uenigheder i et forhold. Hemmelig brug af penge, en ændring i den økonomiske status eller uenighed om, hvordan penge fordeles, er alle potentielle årsager til, at et skænderi kan begynde.
2-Børnene
Forældre kan være uenige om, hvordan børnene skal opdrages, eller hvordan man skal håndtere en udfordrende opdragelsessituation. Der kan også være problemer relateret til en stedbarn eller en sammenbragt familiekonstellation. Spørgsmålet om, hvorvidt man skal have flere børn, kan også skabe spændinger mellem par.
3-Tid sammen / Tidsplaner
4-Fremtidsplaner
5-Affærer / Hemmeligheder
If one of you has had an affair, or been deceitful or unfaithful in some way, this can cause tremendous rows and tensions – potentially for years. Healing from major impacting events is an important step in minimising these arguments and moving forward from them.
And there are, of course, many more. ‘Annoying’ habits, wider family problems, cultural differences, religious differences, and sexual disagreements are also very common topics for disagreement.
When arguments hurt
Like I said before, how you argue is important. I witness people’s argument styles frequently and have observed that most people fall into one of these categories:
The attacker – this is where a person makes an effort to verbally attack the other, pointing out why they are wrong and listing their annoyances.
For eksempel:
Ben: I don’t think you should buy that expensive purse.
Amy: You always do this, you’re so tight with money, I can’t believe how mean, petty and controlling you are.
The defender – this is where a person spends much of their time defending their choices and actions when they perceive criticism.
For eksempel:
Ben: I don’t think you should buy that expensive purse.
Amy: Jeg fortjener det. Jeg har arbejdet hårdt. Jeg køber aldrig noget til mig selv. Jeg har ret til at ønske mig denne taske.
The withdrawer – this is where a hint of criticism can cause a person to emotionally and/or physically withdraw and avoid the conflict.
For eksempel:
Ben: I don’t think you should buy that expensive purse.
Amy: I don’t want to talk about this. I’m going out.
Alle disse argumentationsstile kan være skadelige for et forhold og nærer et konstant mønster af skænderier. Så hvad kan der gøres for at ændre dette?
When arguments are healing
Arguments arise because something is unresolved – whether that be with one another or within ourselves. Partners must identify the true cause of conflicts and align and work together to find a way forward.
Når I deltager i parterapi, kan I lære at kommunikere med hinanden på en ærlig, nærende måde uden at et skænderi eksploderer. I kan få støtte til at tilpasse jeres sprog, så det bliver mindre angrebende / forsvarende / undgående, og i stedet blive mere ansvarlige og tage ejerskab over jeres følelser. I kan også skabe plads til at lytte ordentligt til jeres partner (og blive hørt) og drage fordel af en tredje part i rummet, der kan hjælpe med at forhindre misforståelser.
I slutningen af terapien vil I have tilegnet jer færdigheder, der kan transformere fremtidige skænderier fra høj-konflikt og gentagelse til sund og løsningsorienteret kommunikation.
