- Parterapi
Kan mit forhold komme sig efter en affære?
- Mark Colclough
Af Mark Colclough, Parterapeut og psykoterapeut, cand. mag.
Med et skøn på, at 23 % af partnere indrømmer at have været utro, er det tid til, at vi positivt adresserer utroskab i forhold?
Can my relationship recover from an affair?
Yes, your relationship can recover from an affair. While the pain and betrayal you feel right now might seem insurmountable, healing is possible. It takes time, commitment, and a willingness from both partners to rebuild trust and understanding.
Couples therapy is an invaluable tool during this phase, as it provides a safe space to openly discuss the emotions, fears, and insecurities that are fueling the conflict. With the right guidance, you can work through these difficult emotions and create a more resilient connection.
However, recovery requires both partners to be fully invested in the process. It’s not about forgetting the past, but about learning from it and consciously choosing to move forward together. Honesty, vulnerability, and a genuine desire for change are key to repairing the relationship. If both of you are committed to growth and healing, there is hope for a stronger, more meaningful bond.
Does this sound
familiar?
You or your partner might react to home and relationship stressors by having an affair. And this isn’t as uncommon as you might think. A survey conducted between 2017 and 2018 spanning almost 50,000 Danes, an average of 9,000 respondents admitting to cheating.
For nogle er opdagelsen af utroskab nok til at afslutte forholdet. Men for mange andre er en vej fremad mulig.
Jeg tilbyder håb til dig og din partner, hvis I ønsker at reparere bruddet i jeres forhold efter opdagelsen af utroskab.
What is ‘infidelity’?
Definitioner er vigtige, når man beskriver utroskab. En 2-årig affære manifesterer sig ikke, og har ikke den samme indvirkning, som en one-night-stand har. Vidste du, at en følelsesmæssig affære kan skade mere end en fysisk affære?
Universelt set er utroskab (i enhver form) et grundlæggende svigt af den anden partner i forholdet.
Når utroskab opdages, forårsager det enorm smerte, skyld, vrede, skam, mistillid og forvirring. Forskning har også vist en årsagsforbindelse mellem utroskab og dårlig mental sundhed, vold i hjemmet og skilsmisse.
Hvis du har opdaget utroskab i dit forhold, eller hvis du selv er utro, kan du spørge dig selv:
- Hvorfor ville min partner gøre dette mod mig?
- Hvorfor har jeg gjort dette mod min partner?
- Hvordan kommer jeg nogensinde til at stole på ham/hende igen?
- Hvad er der galt med mig, at de ville føle, at de behøver at gøre dette?
- What does that third person have that I don’t?
- Hvordan reparerer vi dette?
- Hvad med vores børn / lejlighed / fremtid sammen?
- Kan terapi hjælpe med dette problem?
What’s important to understand is that you do not have to suffer alone. There is a safe and constructive way to explore these questions and find a way forward – couples therapy.
Your relationship needs an impartial professional who can help you unpack the relevant aspects of the relationship and identify a) what brought you to this point, b) where you’d like to go from here and c) how you’re going to get there.
I will help guide the conversation through exploring the rupture, sharing the pain and finally mapping out how to take positive action and bring responsibility and shared care to the relationship, and to the individuals involved. Finally, we may look at the role the “other” person has had in the rupture, and how to bring meaning back into the relationship, this time without betrayal and shame.
Why do we cheat?
When you discover an affair, your first question is often – why?
I can see why you might want an instant answer to that question – but infidelity is complicated. There is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ reason why it occurs. The reasons for unfaithfulness are multifaceted and unique to your relationship. That’s the whole point of couples therapy – together, we look at your particular circumstances and identify what happened within your relationship.
Research conducted by Barta, W. D., & Kiene, S. M. (2005) identified the following possible motivations for unfaithfulness, some of which you may be able to identify with:
- Behov for variation: 74% af de adspurgte i undersøgelsen identificerede et ønske om variation, efter at de følte, at forholdet var stagnert.
- Forsømmelse: 70% af respondenterne sagde, at følelsen af at være forsømt var en del af årsagen til, at utroskab opstod.
- Lav selvværd: 57% af respondenterne sagde, at utroskab hjalp med at booste deres selvværd.
- Manglende forpligtelse: 41% sagde, at lavt engagement over for deres partner fik dem til at være utro.
- Manglende sex: 32% sagde, at mangel på sex, seksuelle problemer eller seksuel uoverensstemmelse fik dem til at søge andetsteds for seksuel opfyldelse.
Furthermore, it’s important to know that certain contributing factors will increase the likelihood of infidelity, such as having an insecure attachment style, having a material or immaterial addiction, perhaps displacing a challenge from work. The hardest reason to spot can be the accumulation of the “blah-di-blahs”; a slow and steady pile-up of small occurrences that cause the intimacy in the relationship, initially strong, to slow down, fragment and break. Think of a river that flows freely and strongly to the ocean, full of well oxygenated water, plants and a varied animal life. Slow, the source of the river silts up, and the flow slows. Further downriver, new bends and curvatures add to the silting process, bringing the once roaring mouth of the river to a mere trickle. The river is slowly suffocated by other intruding natural forces.
Så hvor er vandet, der engang flød frit i forholdet?
A spark, such as a caring gesture from a colleague, or a flirt with an old friend at that get-together party can suddenly bring an eruption of water springing forward – the affair is ignited, and with it can come fiery feelings of passion, release, recognition and support in the infidelic partner, plus the thrill / guilt pattern of breaking a taboo.
In my experience, there are four major influences that can bring a relationship to its knees. These are money, sex, power and culture. Read more about the big 4.
Siden 2004 har par fundet heling i deres forhold og genopdaget deres intime partnere ved at overvinde utroskab med min hjælp. Oftest er utroskab et symptom på langt dybere forholdsproblemer, og det behøver ikke at definere dit forhold. Ved at bringe disse problemer til bevidsthed på en sikker og positiv måde, kan jeg hjælpe dit forhold med at udvikle stor intimitet og dybde.
