- Parterapi
Should I tell my partner everything – when are secrets okay?
- Mark Colclough
Af Mark Colclough, Parterapeut og psykoterapeut, cand. mag.
It’s no secret that many couples hide things from each other. In fact, research has shown that 1 in 5 people admit to keeping a major secret from their romantic partner. My question is, even though it is common, is secret-keeping ever ok?
What Is A secret?
Secret-Keeping can be messy business – not to mention hurtful for others.
Mark Colclough, MA
Put simply, a secret is something that is deliberately kept hidden or unexplained; and it’s no easy feat!
“I often don’t say this out loud, even when I should. I contain and compartmentalize to a disturbing degree: In my belly-basement are hundreds of bottles of rage, despair, fear, but you’d never guess from looking at me.” – Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl
Not only do we bury the secret, but pile story after story on top of it, until we ourselves become embroiled in our own fiction. Needless to say, secret-keeping can be messy business – not to mention hurtful for others. In my professional experience, though, this is exactly what people do.
Der er mange forskellige slags hemmeligheder, du måske holder fra din partner. Nogle af de mest almindelige er:
- Økonomiske: Du skjuler måske gæld, et kreditkort, overdreven forbrug, opsparing eller endda din løn. Undersøgelser har vist, at en femtedel af os holder en økonomisk hemmelighed.
- Seksuelle: Du skjuler måske en seksuel præference, en kønsidentitet, et seksuelt problem eller graviditets-/fertilitetsproblemer.
- Din fortid: Der kan være noget fra din fortid, som du helst ikke vil have, at din ægtefælle skal vide, såsom misbrug, et forhold, en dom, en afhængighed eller bare noget, du føler skam over.
- En afhængighed: Hvis du drikker for meget, bruger stoffer i hemmelighed eller endda lider af en adfærdsmæssig afhængighed som sex eller shopping, kan du skjule dette for din partner.
Why Do We Keep Secrets?
There’s no simple explanation as to why we keep secrets. Some theories suggest it is a survival instinct – we keep secrets to keep ourselves ‘safe’ from negative consequences. In the context of a relationship, these consequences could include:
- At forholdet slutter
- Din partner bliver vred, går til angreb eller råber
- Hævngerrighed
- Din partner oplever smerte/hjertesorg
- Din partner stopper det, du gør, når du ikke ønsker at stoppe.
In other cases, revealing a secret can not only devastate your partner, but damage the very core of your identity and sense of self. Your secret might have impacts on your culture, your religion, your wider family and community. It’s understandable, therefore, that many people choose to bury the truth and uphold the lie – even if it means lying to ourselves.
Is secret keeping ever ok?
Some secrets, such as those described above, can have truly devastating consequences. For example, keeping debt as a secret could cause an immense build-up of financial problems that ultimately affect your partner’s life too. So often, people in debt don’t reveal the problem until their house in being repossessed, and at this point, the trust between partners has been catastrophically damaged.
Din hemmelighed kan have indvirkning på din kultur, din religion, din bredere familie og dit fællesskab.
Mark Colclough, MA
You might be asking yourself – what if it’s just a small secret? Surely they are ok? Well… It depends. Because often, small secrets can easily turn into big ones.
“The bigger the lie, the more they believe it.”- Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl
Ved at afsløre små hemmeligheder tidligt kan vi undgå kriser. For eksempel, hvis du hemmeligt flirter med en kollega og skjuler dine beskeder og e-mails fra din ægtefælle, dækker du over dybere forholdsproblemer, som hvis de forbliver uadresseret, kan føre til en fuld affære og alt det drama, der følger med. Forebyggelse er bedre end helbredelse, og hvis du føler, at du holder små hemmeligheder, er det dit ansvar at forhindre, at de vokser til større problemer.
What if the secret hurts nobody?
It is up to you how much you reveal to your partner. But, in my experience, if the secret causes pain (to you or to someone else) it needs to be dealt with. There are, of course, secrets that you may feel are harmless. In this instance, I might ask you – why do you feel the need to keep this secret? Could it develop into a harmful secret? And what is preventing you from being completely transparent? Another problem is that secret-keeping can compromise your dignity, self worth and congruence. My question might be, what are the consequences to you if you keep these secrets? Could they be symptomatic of ‘splitting’ (seeing the world in extremes) or reveal your true perspective on how y
Individuel psykoterapi og parterapi kan hjælpe dig med at identificere hemmeligheder, udforske hvorfor du holder dem, og beslutte den bedste vej frem for dig selv og for dit forhold.
