- Parterapi
Splitting – My relationship feels really intense
- Mark Colclough
Af Mark Colclough, Parterapeut og psykoterapeut, cand. mag.
Intensity in relationships can feel intoxicating, especially at the beginning. Passions are high, sex is new and you are constantly thinking or talking about your new love. But what happens when this intensity causes negative consequences such as anxiety, arguments or extreme anger? And what should you do if you get stuck in the cycle of ‘break up and make up’, as so many couples do?
Din partner, eller du, tænker i absolutte termer eller opdeler begreber i to modstridende lejre, som for eksempel rigtigt / forkert, sort / hvidt.
Mark Colclough, MA
The All Or Nothing Mentality
In some cases, intensity occurs when a partner does something called ‘splitting’, which is a state of thinking and behaving in extremes, causing high emotions within the relationship dynamic. We are going to explore this now…
Hvis du har bemærket nogle af følgende kommunikationsmønstre i dit forhold, kan det være tid til at søge hjælp i parterapi.
- Intense mood swings and fluctuations. If you, or your partner, are often worried about what might be said or done next, it’s a good idea to seek help. Or, you might be the person who experiences intense mood swings or has reactions that you feel are disproportionate. Again, seek help.
- Din partner, eller du, tænker i absolutte termer eller opdeler begreber i to modstridende lejre, som for eksempel rigtigt / forkert, sort / hvidt.
- Idealisation af partneren, efterfulgt af fordømmelse, efterhånden som tiden går. Dette er, hvor du (eller din partner) måske går fra at være fuldstændig betaget af den anden person til at blive kritisk og utilfreds med deres mangel på perfektion senere hen.
- Din partner, eller du, mener, at alle enten er gode eller dårlige. Der er ikke plads til moralens gråzoner.
- Pushing toward people and then pulling away. This is a game you might play that tests one another’s love – creating a pattern of intense closeness followed by distance and withdrawal – which is them remedied with intense, and often sexual, closeness.
- Your partner, or you, believe that someone with a different viewpoint is against them. They also don’t entertain the viewpoint and refuse to look into it.
- En offermentalitet. Dette er, hvor du eller din partner selv skaber offerstatus og bebrejder den anden partner for at forårsage skade, smerte eller ubehag.
- Du, eller din partner, tror måske, at ved at gøre grin med dem, der tænker anderledes, forbedrer du på en eller anden måde dit selvværd.
- Du, eller din partner, kan have svært ved at opretholde relationer, hvad enten det er et venskab eller en romantisk partner. Dette skyldes, at hvis en ven eller partner er uenig med dig, bliver de automatisk betragtet som fjenden.
- Altid at have ret. Vi oplever alle at være forkerte nogle gange. Vi er trods alt kun mennesker. Hvis du eller din partner ikke kan reflektere over fejl, er dette et tegn på, at forholdet (og individet) har brug for noget arbejde.
All of the above is a form of ‘splitting’, which we will now explore further.
What is Splitting
Splitting er en almindelig ego-forsvarsmekanisme. Det er, når en person ser verden i ekstreme modsætninger (godt vs dårligt, positivt vs negativt).
For example, a woman might believe that all men are bad because of her personal experiences with men she has known. Or that if someone is angry with her, they cannot also be feeling love (because she can only see negative vs positive, rather than the two interacting simultaneously). She might think that if a partner wants time alone, it automatically means rejection. It is ‘all or nothing’ reasoning and fails to account for the wider nuances of life or the complexity of human interaction.
Ofte adopteres splitting i barndommen som en mestringsmekanisme. Det kan udvikles, når et barn ikke kan forstå den forvirrende blanding af kærlig opfyldelse og uresponsivitet hos en omsorgsperson. Det kan også være en reaktion på traumer.
The Harm Of Splitting
Failing to moderate emotions or consider the more nuanced aspects of communication can lead to a pattern of working only in extreme opposites. If someone tells you something negative about your partner that you didn’t know, splitting would cause you to immediately see them as ‘bad’ or ‘untrustworthy’. If your partner gets a new job that causes them to work away more, splitting mentality would have you think they are ‘leaving you’.
Splitting adopteres i barndommen som en mestringsmekanisme.
Mark Colclough, MA
At arbejde i ekstreme kan være udmattende for alle involverede og skabe en uærlig fortælling inden for forholdet.
Splitting can also be seen as abusive to the non-splitting partner, as they may feel they have to walk on egg shells or be hyper alert to ‘triggering’ anger, aggression or extreme thinking in the splitting partner.
If any of this sounds familiar, please do not despair. I can help!
