- Parterapi
Når ægteskabet føles som et forældre-barn-forhold
- Mark Colclough
Af Mark Colclough, Parterapeut og psykoterapeut, cand. mag.
Hvor ofte napper du med din partner? Behøver du nogensinde at anmode om det grundlæggende, som om de var et barn? Måske ser du selv din partner som en anmassende forælder, konstant på din sag og fortæller dig, hvordan du skal opføre dig?
Dette er ikke ualmindeligt. Jeg ser det meget i min praksis, og transaktionsanalyse kan hjælpe os med at forklare og udforske det.
What is transactional analysis?
Vi er motiveret af ubevidste dele af vores personlighed, kendt som ego-stadier.
Mark Colclough, MA
Transaktionsanalyse (TA) er en velkendt psykoanalytisk teori, der blev udviklet i 1950'erne og stadig spiller en fundamental rolle i terapi i dag.
Teorien foreslår, at vi i alle interaktioner er motiveret af ubevidste dele af vores personlighed, kendt som ego-stadier. Der er tre primære ego-stadier. Disse er:
Forælder: Behaviour and activities that replicates the behaviours, thoughts and feelings of parental figures from childhood. This ego state often works on autopilot and can manifest in two forms, nurturing and caring, and also critical and controlling.
Barn: Dette er et følelsesmæssigt ego-stadie, hvor du reagerer og føler på en måde, der minder om, hvordan du reagerede som barn. For eksempel kan du reagere negativt på en høj lyd, hvis du som barn lærte, at høje lyde var truende. Ligesom forælderstadiet kan det manifestere sig i to former: Den begejstrede, frie barn eller som det hjælpeløse, tilpassede barn.
Voksen: Et voksen ego-stadie er fokuseret på her og nu – det er et stadie, hvor vi kan behandle information logisk og rationelt fra forskellige kilder. At opnå et voksenstadie er ønskeligt for at have sunde interaktioner med andre.
When I hear partners in couple therapy describe challenging situations, it is often the case that transactional analysis can help us explore the unconscious motivations behind behaviours. For the sake of this article, we’ll focus on romantic relationships whereby one person is frequently in ‘parent’ role and the other is in ‘child’.
When equal partners are not equal
In any healthy romantic relationship it is expected that the balance of power is more or less equal – that both parties have roles and responsibilities, and a mutual level of respect between one another.
Ofte er dette ikke tilfældet, og vi kan blive fanget i nogle destruktive vaner.
If you ever find yourself ‘acting out’, it could be that you are having a child response to something.
Mark Colclough, MA
Let’s look at a real life example:
Samantha and Chris have been together for a couple of years. They are raising 2 children from Samantha’s previous marriage. Chris loves snowboarding, windsurfing and paddle boarding in his spare time and spends a great deal of time focused on these activities. Samantha finds herself having to do quite a lot of ‘boring adult’ activities such as preparing kids lunch boxes, doing laundry and organising calendars. She often resents Chris’s lack of responsibility, and envies his freedom. She doesn’t feel Chris takes his role as Step Dad as seriously as she’d like, but also doesn’t feel she can burden him with children that aren’t biologically his. Instead of having a dialogue about this, she nags, criticises and complains, causing Chris to want to spend more time away from the house and with people who have fun with him, rather than people who nag him.
In this scenario, we can see a disbalance. Samantha is seen as ‘dull’ by Chris, but he also burdens her with the ‘boring’ adult responsibilities while he enjoys carefree outdoor pursuits. Samantha sees Chris as a child in a Peter Pan state of never quite growing up, yet also feels jealousy about this.
I terapi, når begge parter træder ind i deres voksne stadie, kan de mere klart udforske de følelser, der er forbundet med dette, og sætte nogle grænser, der giver begge parter mulighed for at have det sjovt og være ansvarlige med mere lighed.
Growing up can be tough
There’s a common assumption that we grow up as soon as we come of an adult age. I disagree. Growing up is something we do throughout our lives. It’s a process and not a linear one either. If you ever find yourself ‘acting out’, it could be that you are having a child response to something. For example, one of my clients, when faced with constructive challenge, quite literally runs away or kicks out the person challenging her. Her child-self cannot handle the mirror being reflected back at her, and reacts in a child-like, fear-fuelled way. This gives her a sense of control and power, all while enabling her to mask her true self and never grow. Does this sound familiar? Perhaps you do something similar? Therapy can help…
