- Personal therapy
Splitting – am I using black and white thinking
- Mark Colclough
Af Mark Colclough, Parterapeut og psykoterapeut, cand. mag.
When you seek therapy, you do so believing that something isn’t quite right. It might be a work issue, a relationship conflict, or a problem you have med dig selv. Det kan også være, fordi andre mennesker gentagne gange bemærker noget ved dig, som du føler, at du endelig har brug for at tage fat på.
Finder du dig selv i at få den samme feedback fra venner og romantiske partnere gang på gang? Måske er noget af denne feedback:
- Du har vredeproblemer
- Du kan ikke se tingene fra en anden persons perspektiv
- Du skaber dramaer
- Du har svært ved at opretholde meningsfulde venskaber
- Du er mean eller spiteful
- Du er svær at argumentere med
Lyder nogen af disse bekendte? Hvis ja, så kan det være, at du oplever splitting.
What Is Spitting?
Splitting er uden tvivl en destruktiv vane, men en vane, der kan helbredes med terapi.
Mark Colclough, MA
Splitting er et begreb, der refererer til en ego-forsvarsmekanisme. Det er, når en person ser verden i ekstreme modsætninger (god vs. dårlig, positiv vs. negativ / sort-hvid tænkning). Når du gør dette, kan du opdage, at du har høj-konfliktsforhold, ekstreme humørsvingninger, masser af drama og kortvarige venskaber. Splitting-adfærd begynder ofte i barndommen som en mestringsmekanisme. Hvis et barn ikke kan forstå den forvirrende kombination af pleje og uresponsivitet hos en omsorgsperson, opstår splitting-adfærd. Det kan også være en reaktion på traumer. Splitting er uden tvivl en destruktiv vane, men én der kan helbredes med terapi.
Are you using black and white thinking?
The most common sign of splitting is the use of black and white thinking. The nuances of life are often missed, with people or situations being wholly good or wholly bad, with no grey area. It can lead to ‘catastrophising’ – reacting to a complex situation as though it is the end of the world, as well as various other behaviours.
Let’s look at an example of this.
Dan is friends with Mark and he owes Mark some money. Dan is struggling financially and is finding it hard to pay Mark back. Mark is getting increasingly frustrated about this, especially as he noticed Dan recently went on holiday and was bragging about his new shoes on Facebook – indicating that he does have some funds. Mark has bills to pay and Dan’s unwillingness to pay debt is troubling him. Eventually, he confronts Dan about his spending and lack of accountability over repaying the money. Dan begins splitting. Dan thinks Mark is appalling for challenging his behaviours, because that’s not what friends do. He flies into a fit of rage, calls Mark names and blocks his number. He says mean things about Mark to other people and calls Mark controlling and spiteful. Eventually, he has such a low view of Mark, that he no longer believes he should need to pay Mark back his money because he doesn’t deserve it. He believes their friendship was worth more than money but Mark has failed to see this and subsequently ruined it.
Hvis du er den, der splitter, er der hjælp tilgængelig og en vej ud af denne fangne mentalitet.
Mark Colclough, MA
In this scenario, what would Mark say about Dan’s behaviour? He would say:
- Dan har opført sig på en entitled måde.
- Dan har undladt at se situationen fra Marks perspektiv.
- Dan er blevet vred over et retfærdigt og berettiget feedback.
- Dan har gjort Mark til en skurk og sig selv til offer.
- Dan er gået fra ven til fjende på kort tid.
Essentially, Dan is splitting. By using the ‘all or nothing’ mentality, he has failed to see that Mark has been patient, that Mark has his own financial needs, and that Mark is only trying to resolve the situation so that everybody is happy.
I terapi ville Dan og jeg tale om dette scenario i dybden. Vi ville undersøge forholdet mellem Dan og Mark i konteksten af drama-trianglet (hvor vi spiller bestemte roller i en konflikt) eller transaktionsanalyse (hvor vi undersøger forælder / barn / voksen roller i forhold).
The good news is, even if you are the person who is splitting, there is help available and a way out of this trapping mentality.
